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Thursday, Aug. 14, 2003 - 12:31 a.m. ABOVE THE CLOUDS It has been a while since I updated this diary, but this time I am suffering from a bit of insomnia and I am hoping this will put me to sleep. Normally I write what happens to me during the day and I add a few reflections. This will be pure reflection. I have noticed a darkness creeping into my life since that fateful 4th of July. I suppose unconsciously I have been kicking myself for not having made enough moves to ultimately screw that physical therapist. She was ripe and ready for sex that entire weekend. That was any guy's dream come true. I have become consumed by a desire to get a second chance at a woman like that. This is probably why I have done those stints at the bars. Bars are a good place to pick up women who want sex. This consumption has become like a dark grey cloud killing the morning sun. I am beginning to lose perspective of who I am and who I want to be. I am getting the feeling I am being duped by this "non-verbal" element of male-female relationships. I stand alone atop a mountain, white and pure as a snow-cap. I have been trying to force myself down from that mountain, into the world of desperate relationships. Oh yes, the risk in climbing down is all a part of relationships, so they say. You must come down from that mountain and get some sand between your toes in order for you experience all the pain, heart-ache, and joy, that relationships have to offer. Then I ask, why can't they climb up the mountain? The mountain defines who I am. It was formed by a terrible destructive volcano that tore up the first two decades of my life. It is now beautiful, majestic, and permanent. It is like no other scene in nature. As far as I am concerned, my mountain is the place to visit, not the desert. Does this mean that I should recoil back into isolation? Indeed not. It is my responsibility to call others trapped in the sandstorms below to join me. Of course, 99% of them are so inured, so dependent on their desert existence, they have no way of climbing my mountain. I am being duped into thinking that I need to be in that desert, among the aimlessly sexually active, among the grinders and teasers, in order to meet the woman of my dreams. I have been duped into thinking that the nonverbals are the missing ingredient in my quest for a meaningful, lasting relationship. Yes, they do have their place. But a woman who wants to love me must know where that place is. There is a great deal of mutual enjoyment to be gained from intimacy. It can enhance a relationship. But that is where it ends. Real relationships, or the relationships I plan to form anyway, will have roots that dig far deeper than intimacy. For this reason, I am beginning to view my first date in an entirely different light. I sought something from her she was incapable of giving me--true love. An unconditional love, one in which she would love me despite all my faults, seek to understand me, care for how I felt, and be a friend and companion to me like no other. If, and only if, she were to prove to me that she was this type of person, could I give her the affection she so desired. On the other hand, she was satified with the advances I made toward her up to that point as enough justification for her affection. That was all. I had to prove nothing to her. Or, as far as I was concerned, I had proved nothing and she accepted whatever I did as proof of whatever it was that she was looking for. Oh yes, she would claim that she sought true love as well. But looking at how I view true love, a view in which intimacy is but a tiny aspect, however skewed by inexperience that view might be, and how she viewed true love, one in which she viewed intimacy as a central aspect, I would have to say my understanding of it is a bit more sophisticated and complex than hers. I like my view. I see no reason to alter it. My mountain was formed by the ugly volcano of manic-depression, but it is all the more beautiful because of it. I would have to say that I am proud. It is my gift to the world. I should not let it go to waste. So now I am beginning to view that dark grey cloud from above, rather than from below. I am rare to be in my position, weird to some, but like one of nature's most beautiful wonders, I would not give it up for anything. They must learn to journey up my mountain, and I must lead them. For my view is more awesome than their clouded lives would ever expect. |