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Sunday, Oct. 23, 2005 - 9:41 p.m. ABYSS So now I sit in my dimly lit living room, with music playing loudly on my CD player, to become acquainted with the ambience which will occasion the Halloween party I will host next weekend. This party is the second I will be hosting. The first one I hosted was basically a small office party due to my home’s strategic placement along Baton Rouge’s St. Patrick’s Day parade route. This time, however, the party will be at night and be hosted for reasons that are entirely social. Though I have yet to have a long-term relationship, even at age 29, I feel I am standing at the edge of an abyss. This abyss is what I consider to be society’s model for building social status, one which I could easily master, or am in the process of mastering, given my resources. It is like a sucking vacuum of emptiness. Before long, I could lose my virginity with absolutely little effort. Perhaps I could find just the right woman who would cling to me and do my beg and call–just because I am me. Wow, the dream of every man. And then there is the other side of me, the side that knows from years of painful observation the suffering that the abyss seems to cause. Most people are so helplessly caught in the vacuum, including some people reading this entry, that they have no clue about what I am talking about. These people have not the faintest idea of what love is, nor of marriage, nor of self-worth. Their view of the world is shallow and immediate–they want another person to take away their loneliness, pain, and inadequacy. Then these victims buy into the illusion that such a person actually exists. Then when “love” is found with such a person, the loneliness, pain, and inadequacy are only exponentially multiplied. Unlike many of these people, I remain on the edge of the precipice, looking down, but holding my balance with all my might so as not to be sucked in by the vacuum. Nevertheless, I feel as though I am being torn apart. My dream is to experience love in its entirety and not its cheap imitation. Yet, I sit alone, wondering if this dream I have is nothing but fantasy, while the abyss appears to be the only reality I can actually see, touch, and feel. |