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Wednesday, Jul. 23, 2003 - 8:39 p.m. A SNAIL'S PACE I am viewing my life as being quite slow right now, though it is not standing still. Eharmony has sent me some matches that I have contacted, one in Baton Rouge. It kills me to say this, but I have seen her picture, and I do not find her attractive. I just feel so shallow and insensitive because I feel that way. And manipulative. If I meet her, her goal would no doubt be to get in a relationship. I still want to meet her, but because I am not physically attracted to her, it would be for other reasons. The main reason would be for me to become friends with her, and build a social network around her. I plan to be honest and up front with her about my motives and that I only want to be friends. Of course, I would never tell her that she is unattractive. I got this other match from this 21 year old in Natchitoches who says she is studying to be a cardiologist. Now that is the kind of woman I want. The type that is strong and intelligent, and will bust her tail to be successful. One that is probably smarter and harder working than me. Someone who will pull the wagon and allow ME to stay home and take care of the kids. The only drawback is that we probably have different religious backgrounds. I hate doing it, but this past weekend I have begun doing the Baton Rouge bar scene. Why? Because I do not like it. It would be one thing if the only reason I disliked it was the fact that bars stink and that the women are slutty. That is one reason, but that is not the only one. The main reason I do not like it is the extreme anxiety I feel when I should approach a woman in a bar. That reason is not justified and must be fixed. The only way I can fix it is to face it head on. The truth is, and I am convinced at this, I should be able to mack women in a bar just as easily as any other player. I just lack the confidence due to years of feeling down on myself and being unable to protect myself from embarrassing behavior. I do not plan on preying on women like some of those other sociopaths, but I would like to see if I can develop their level of social prowess. When I can easily hit on a woman with no confidence issues, then I will be convinced that I do not need to be going to bars any more. I saw that new therapist on Monday. I will have to see how it goes. It may take time for us to build chemistry. Tomorrow I must sit through another day of training, fix my lawnmower, and cut my grass. I hope I do not kill any snails. |