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Thursday, May. 26, 2005 - 9:09 p.m. BLACK AND WHITE I has been yet another extended period of time since I have last updated. It has not been as though there has been nothing for me to write about. Quite the contrary. I just have chosen not to write because I knew that the majority of readers in Diaryland would hardly be able to stomach some of the things I would write about. The reason for this fact is that I have fallen deeper and deeper into the apparent disillusionment of my religion. I have yet to write in this diary what religion I belong to. The main reason I have chosen not to do so lies in the fact that I am heavily involved in my church, and, if I were to divulge my religion, with some clever research, a reader could easily figure out my identity. So I refer to my religion in general “Christian” terms and plan to continue to do so. As I have written in previous entries, I have been involved in a church ministering mainly to college students, and have gone on to help start a ministry for young adults on my own. It has been quite successful. Though I have yet to get a date with a woman I actually like through this group, I have developed a list of contacts which has fueled a budding social life. Targeting religious young adults for your social life involves some risk. For one thing, you have to keep your nose clean and appear sincere in your efforts. Otherwise, things may not work for you. It also involves mixing in with a group that may have a very, very conservative outlook on life, an outlook that may run directly counter to what seems to be reflected by popular culture. What may end up forming is an exclusive group that creates a “bubble” of sorts around itself, in order to keep its conservative nature untainted by outside trends. My involvement in the church led me straight to such a group, one which many would consider a borderline cult. Such a group is very attractive to young, impressionable college students who seek shelter from a chaotic world where moral relativism is rampant and the solid Christian foundation upon which they were raised seems to vaporize around them. In this group, these students find other young adults in a similar predicament who help reinforce their previously unshakable religious beliefs. Thus, they maintain their “black and white” view of the world, where either you agree with certain precepts of Christianity, or you are not fit to call yourself one of them. I have to admit, these are very nice young people that mean well. Unfortunately, I am too wise in my age to become one of them. I know too well that a black and white policy toward life can only lead to isolation and unbridled escapism; as, for much of my life, I carried such a policy near to my heart. In the end, I found myself in the depths of despair, gasping to understand a reality I so long wanted to pretend did not exist. So right now I find myself walking a tightrope of sorts, skirting religious extremism while clinging to some form of tangible reality. No, I am not involved in the cultish group, but my ministry does overlap into their territory. Where the danger lies is the fact that there are women involved in this group that, no matter how remote the possibility is, I may develop potential relationships with. If such a relationship occurs, the next question for me to ask is whether either of us will have the maturity, spiritual or otherwise, to have a successful relationship in the long-term. Perhaps I am counting my chickens before they hatch, or, in another sense, putting the cart before the horse. As I have said earlier, I have yet to form a solid dating relationship with anyone in my dealings with this church. I will say though, that I did take an odd risk and got the number of a really, really cute girl working at a Christian bookstore the other day. Whether any sort of dating relationship ensues with her remains to be seen. The main issue is her age, for she may be younger than 20; though she is the best-looking woman to give me her number thus far. It was one of those miraculously inspired, love-at-first-sight type of things, at least from my side. Never in a million years would I have imagined asking a girl of such striking physical beauty her number and expected to receive it. The idea is so absurd, I just laugh when I think about the possibility of dating her. Remember Angel? Angel could not hold a feather to this girl–appearance-wise or personality-wise. I plan to call her next week. If it goes somewhere, I may tell you the full story of how we met. |