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Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004 - 11:43 p.m. BLIND I suppose I could go into the intricate details of the slight amount of dating experience I have gained in the past two weeks, but, as far as I am concerned, it would serve me no purpose. I have already experienced whatever events have occurred, and, in the greater scheme of things, the details of those events mean nothing. The only way these events can matter are in the context of how they reflect my growth as a socially adept adult. Therefore, I will write solely upon this reflection. The first twenty-one or twenty-two years of my life were spent in isolation in terms of relationships with the opposite sex. Sex, in my worldview, was nothing more than a material object of pleasure. Whom it was with or whether or not love was involved would not matter, as long as the woman was attractive. On the other hand, the truth remained that this woman would still be a human being, that emotions had to be involved, a that sex with such a woman would be of far greater consequence in my life than a mere spontaneous thrill. These two conflicting standpoints were part of what kept me in my social deadlock for most of my life. I simply could not reconcile these two standpoints when it actually came to falling “in love” with a woman. Biologically I wanted unbridled, unlimited, unattached sex, but emotionally I wanted companionship. Living in a tumultuous world where my mood would not let my identity stay still, I simply could not see how my biological and emotional urges could live harmoniously. So then the issue with my first therapist arose whereby I would become “socially integrated.” The whole concept was that I would somehow see how sex fits into the grander scheme of things and begin to understand its role in a loving relationship with a woman in real life. However, this concept does not merely pertain to the act of having sex with a woman; it deals with the relations with any woman with whom a potential love interest exists, for the ultimately, the common denominator that brings a man and woman together a certain way in the first place is, well, sexual attraction. Therefore, what I needed to learn was that sex was not an end in itself as I had previously viewed it; rather it was just part of the process of becoming socially and emotionally attached to a woman during the course of a relationship. I have led into the discussion with these issues because I am not incredibly sexually attracted to this preschool teacher I have been dating. The extent of our intimacy has not gone beyond holding hands in a movie theatre or kisses on the cheeks that say good-bye. As a result of my lack of sexual attraction toward her, I do not find myself dreaming of her all day like a lovesick puppy. Nor do I even look forward to our first real kiss. At the same time, I am not sure I can stop myself from continuing to see her. She has a terrific personality, she is wonderful with kids, and we share many of the same values. I am also fairly certain that she likes me, but I wonder how long she will continue to as long as I do not show her the affection she might be seeking. However, despite the potential I have for a setup through work and another e-harmony match I am communicating with, I am not sure I can spare her companionship. There is just far too much I can learn from her when it comes to my growing socially. I anticipate that the type of dates I will continue to get will also leave me in this quandary. I am also feeling very shallow and unappreciative of who this woman is. I do not know why I can see the beauty of a person from one angle, yet from another, I am totally blind. |