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Sunday, May. 01, 2005 - 3:05 a.m. CLAIMING MY IDENTITY Again, it has been a while since I have last updated. My motivation for keeping this diary is slowly shriveling away as I look back at the person who started it. Back then, I was searching anywhere and everywhere to find a social life, hoping I could in light-speed accomplish what most “normal” people do in two decades--their teens and their twenties. This diary was an account of my attempts to accomplish that social life in the midst of whatever emotional struggles I would have to undertake. However, experience has taught me that the result of this struggle is fruitless. Back then, I was ashamed of who I was. I thought I was some sort of outcast, a pariah of sorts, because I had never been on a date or kissed a girl. Now I see all of these issues as completely irrelevant. I am who I am, and excuse me for tooting my own horn, but I am an incredible person whether I have kissed a hundred women or zero. In fact, the great thing about my situation is the apparent incongruity. On paper, I am highly sought after. I am educated, professional, religious, athletic (though I need to get my ass back into shape), responsible, and, the qualities go on an on. I should be able to get just about any half-mature woman who knows what to look for in a man. The virginity thing, in my opinion, is like a cherry on top of a banana split. It was not too long ago where I used to write about my goofy exploits, by myself, mind you, into the bar scene. Tonight I went to Varsity, for the first time in several months, with a couple of Colombian friends of mine I met through my young adults group with the church. As the night got later, the more and more packed the bar got with plenty of tightly dressed young women. Back when I went by myself, I would ask myself “Why am I not dating any of these women?” When I was there tonight though, I asked myself “Why am I here?” Sure, I could have gotten behind some girl and grinded like the rest of those guys out there “looking for a good time,” but none of that appealed to me. I saw no point in revving my hormones up only to go home wondering why I feel so turned-on yet sexually unsatisfied. And maybe I could have gotten the number of some girl I met at this bar. But then I ask myself, should this be the type of place where I ought to be looking? All I could go by is her looks because conversation at that deafening place was impossible. The truth is, I must realize, as I have said several times throughout this diary, that a relationship will not bring me happiness; and happiness, however, may or may not bring a relationship. Perhaps this truth is finally sinking in. If I am unhappy in the bar scene, then I should not waste my time in the bar scene. Likewise, if I am unhappy in certain church activities, I should not waste my time in certain church activities. Also, assuming actually do find happiness, the end result still might be that I never end up in a long-term relationship. As for the spiritual upheaval that I spoke of in my last entry, I attribute that feeling more to my own questioning of my identity rather to any substantive transcendental change I may be undergoing. I had spent countless hours in church wondering what my purpose was, as I felt that any purpose I was creating for myself was somehow inadequate in the eyes of others. It is such a shame that I have been thinking this way because, in reality, I have nothing to be ashamed of. |