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Sunday, Feb. 06, 2005 - 9:30 p.m. COFFEE SPOONS AND T.S. ELIOT I began writing this entry from a gourmet coffee shop where I was about to meet another a person I met through an online dating service. Earlier that week, I went on that “date” with a masseuse who turned out to be an overweight pothead. I spent around $60 that night for the food and drinks, not to mention the effort I put into shopping so that my wardrobe would be slightly more up-to-date. Needless to say, I am happy I just met this online match at a coffee shop rather than at a fancy restaurant. Also needless to say, I am very disappointed with online dating. With the exception of the preschool teacher I “dated,” who I was never really attracted to, all the meetings I have had have turned out to be major disappointments. One thing I have learned is that if I am not physically attracted to a woman, dating her is a total waste of time. Sure, I can get to know her better and learn about her other attractive qualities, but I can do the same with anyone, whether they be old or young, male or female. However, good conversation does not necessarily make for a good romantic relationship. Part of the problem with online dating is this sort of pressure that is placed on the people dating. You spend all this time trying to get to know someone online, in the end hoping that the person you are about to meet is “the one.” In reality, such thinking is absolutely absurd. Meeting people online is ultimately as random as meeting anyone in real life, and perhaps even more random, considering that you have never seen them in person. Ultimately, relationships develop from growing close to a person, and being physically close has a lot to do with it. You communicate online with bits and bytes, characters and punctuation, but in my opinion, you can chat with someone all day through email and instant messenger, but never really know who that person is. Even I am guilty of being careful of what I write to certain people, full-knowing their likely reaction to what I write. Insodoing, I am purposely hiding part of what I am thinking, and the person I am communicating with online has no idea what I am truly thinking. Such guarded discretion is much more difficult when meeting someone in person, as nonverbal signals say much more than mere typed words. The woman I met with at the coffee shop agreed beforehand that we were simply meeting for the possibility of starting a friendship. We would simply have a conversation, get to know each other better, and if we had common interests and our personalities meshed well, we would maybe “hang out” on future occasions. The situation seemed to benefit both of us, as she was simply a 24 year-old Americorps volunteer placed in Baton Rouge temporarily. She implied to me several times, though she refused to admit that she did, that she had no intention of staying in Baton Rouge in the long-term. She even went on to say that she has a crush on a guy who now lives in California who had already admitted that he had a crush on her. My motivation for meeting her was just to expand my contacts in the Baton Rouge area and hopefully expand my social circle with friends in the area that she knew. Her motivation was similar to mine. As online communication went, things went very well, as I clearly had her laughing the whole time we chatted online. At the coffee shop, she probably expected to meet this nice guy with a funny personality. In fact I think I can be a funny guy, given the right person to joke with. In our case, I just think we lacked good chemistry. Yes, she was fairly cute and had a sparkling personality, but our conversation sent neither of us anywhere. We were more likely to simply remain friendly aquaintances rather than ever become good friends. So, once again, the online dating game failed to produce results, even when it comes to simply starting a friendship. However, I am more inclined to think that in the end, a close friendship with this girl could only result in a relationship. I see no other way around this fact. That is why we met, and frankly, except for a couple of brief chats on the internet, we no longer communicate. Even in a friendship, a certain level of commitment and loyalty is required, and neither of us would be willing to put forth the effort if, in the end, the friendship would be prevented from going any further. I did learn another lesson from our meeting though. I learned that I am far too serious about this dating thing and need to just allow things to happen. First, rather than trying to impress some girl with a fancy date, I am just going to meet her and get to know her first, then decide whether to date her later. Second, there is no way I can gain enjoyment from the dating experience if I make it out to be a chore, which is exactly what I have been doing. Either the relationship will work, or it will not. If the relationship were meant to be, then things should just fall into place. I am better off just relaxing and enjoying myself than try to create something that simply is not there. Lastly, I have learned based on my “personal” interaction with the girl at the coffee shop that I seem to emulate a much different personality in person than I do on the internet. I suppose much of it has to do with the fact that I am there in person, subject to visual observation and judgement. Under such conditions, I am far less spontaneous and relaxed. As Cindy Lauper once said, “Girls just want to have fun.” If I am ever to let the “fun” side of my personality shine, this serious side of my personality must change. Over the next month, this part of my personality is exactly what I will spend the most time working on. My experimentation ground, of course, will be that very successful laboratory I seem to have built through those young adults at the church. As a leader of the group, I am in a key position to create social gatherings, which I plan to start doing. The work I have done spawned a gathering of 40 young adults last month. I now need to harness the popularity my group has gained and use it to my social life’s advantage. Indeed, what success I will have during the upcoming months will be determined my ability to socially network within this group. I hardly know many of the people who showed up last month, but my theory is that once I get to know some of them, my social life will grow by leaps and bounds. I have built it, and they have come. Now I just need to figure out what to do now that they have arrived. |