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Friday, Apr. 23, 2004 - 11:05 p.m. FRIDAY NIGHTS About this time last year, I would sit at home on a Friday night very much like tonight and feel completely sorry for myself. I felt like I had no friends, no one to talk to, no one to hang out with. I felt completely alienated and alone. Well, tonight is the same way, only, I do not have the same attitude I had back then. I am still completely alone, but now I realize that my loneliness is not due to some inherent flaw that I possess that forces people to shun me. In fact, I am certain that there are people out there who would actually enjoy my company. I just need to find where they are. But my discovery goes far beyond coming to the conclusion that there are people out there who would enjoy my company. The primary objective of this whole “experiment” has been to build a social circle around myself. However, I have come to understand that it is not enough to simply know a bunch of people. I must know and meet people that share my common interests. Part of my problem has always been that I have been afraid to show interest in anything, no matter how interested I may have in fact been, because I knew it would involve having to develop relationships with certain people. My inclination had always been to get interested in something, learn about it on my own, and keep it to myself. Another issue is that I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that I am a 27 year-old adult, and that all the glories of an immature youth have past me by. There were times when I walk on that college campus and into those college bars wishing that I could have those days back so that I could have another chance to participate in the hedonistic lifestyle of a horny college boy. Now I look at the sheer naivety in the eyes of those younger students, and I realize the distance between them and, and a coworker described it, my “old soul.” Yes, I look young enough to be easily mistaken for a college student. But inside I feel older than even my age could measure. As a result, I am not likely to find happiness among the younger crowd. I must learn to disassociate age with the happiness that I seek. If I am ever to find the friendships and relationships I seek, I must be everything I want to be and do everything I want to do. I must cast aside any preconceived notions about who I can or cannot meet, be they too young, too old, too young, too attractive, or too unattractive, and I must share my interests with them. I must do what I find interesting, not in the least bit concerned about what other people might think. My fear of meeting people has to be conquered so that I can share my interests with them and build relationships. And if I am tired, like I am tonight, I must not worry about what goes on in the bars, and get some sleep. |