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Thursday, Sept. 29, 2005 - 10:57 p.m. FRIENDS When I was younger, my tendency was to want to believe that life is quite simple, that if you learn a certain formula and stick to it, then you can live quite contently. At some point in the past I did figure out a formula which I seem to have stuck to. I would get educated, make a living for myself, establish a certain standard of living, and do whatever forms of recreation in my spare time. It is quite an accomplishment, in my opinion, that I have perfected this formula and am currently living it to its fullest. Unfortunately, this formula has a fatal flaw. I established in previous entries that in order to be happy, I need to find and establish happiness on my own. Notice how often I use “I,” “me,” and “myself.” Nowhere does this formula include other people. Sure, I fit people in places where I see fit. But the dynamics of full human relationships in my life are utterly lacking. I am beginning to wonder if I am a volcano ready to erupt. In March of 2003 I began writing the Experiment while reflecting on my experiences on that church on a college campus. Eerily, relationships I observed back then are coming full-circle. Allow me to explain. My first experience with that church was a “Valentine’s Day” dance that initiated my attempt to somehow integrate a social life. I told that old psychologist that I would have the opportunity to attend it because of the girl I was sponsoring for baptism. He insisted that I go, although I went reluctantly. As a 26 year-old, when I arrived in the darkened dance hall surrounded by a bunch of hyper college freshmen and sophomores, I felt somewhat ridiculous and out of place about the whole thing. However, much went on that grated on my nerves back then that I would not even notice now. I saw young college “couples” dancing at this party with that glazed look in their eyes as though they were in love forever. My cynical mind back then thought that such things were idle fodder, that people this young have no idea what love is, and that this was all deja vu, high school all over again. Pretty girl meets popular jock boy and thinks she is in love with him. He, in turn, has his way with her. One couple stuck out in my mind like a sore thumb. Together were a cute freshmen girl and a good-looking outgoing college boy. The dance came and went, and my memories of it are still clear. But my understanding of relationships, especially the relationship of this young couple, would eventually evolve far beyond the naive concept of high school romance I once had. The guy, we shall call “Carl” was the one who recruited me to go on all those retreats. He made a special effort to befriend me for whatever reason. As time went on, I only became more impressed with how nice and genuine Carl was. He consistently invited me to parties and whatever else went on, treating me like an old buddy. The girl, we shall call “Jackie,” I would say hello to on occasion, but I never made much of an effort to get to know. I have to blame myself for being so shy so as not to bother to get to know her. As time went on though, over the past year in particular, things have changed. I am beginning to wonder now if she is a closer friend to me than her boyfriend, or should I now say, her fiancee. What I suppose got us talking one day was the fact that she has a 4.0 GPA and scored incredibly high on the MCAT, so high that Princeton Review had her teaching their classes. So not only is Jackie charming and cute, but she has the brains to match. I guess because I know her fiancee so well she has befriended me likewise, aside from the fact that she and I just get along so well. However, I have cause for concern. I am getting closer to Jackie as a friend than I have ever been with any other woman before, family asides. I would like to say she is like the little sister I never had, but things are more advanced than that. I would not go so far as to say I have a crush, but I enjoy it when she hugs me, and she shows incredible empathy toward me like no one else. And her empathy is genuine, not manipulative like the empathy many women exhibit. I know she is off limits because she is getting married in June and I am an usher in the wedding. So any plans in her direction would be completely absurd. I am also quite comfortable being her friend. At the same time though, I am learning much from her that I could not otherwise learn. That missing ingredient in my formula for happiness is one thing I am learning. Happiness is difficult to experience when you have no one to share it with. I have viewed beautiful sunsets, heard melodious symphonies, and experienced other pleasures some may never experience, but all these things I have done alone. I can only attempt to imagine the added dimension to these experiences if I were with someone I loved. In the prologue of the Experiment, I said that love is impossible for me. I am beginning to no longer believe what I wrote. I can, in fact, love and be loved. The question remains though, whether it is possible that I will ever find the right person. |