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Sunday, Jun. 13, 2004 - 3:09 p.m. SELF-DEFEAT I have been on a mission to meet people, make friends, and start relationships. That has been my mission all along. However, nowhere in that mission do I mention what I want to do to make myself happy. The past several months have resulted in incredible growth for me socially, in my opinion. I have opportunities, but I can easily spoil them by going after them like a crazed pig just let out of his pen. The problem lies in my motivation behind taking advantage of these opportunities. My ultimate motivation lies with the sole objective of getting a girlfriend. I must do away with this objective. People can smell desperation from a mile away. Any motivation I have must come from another source. There is a whole laundry list of things I would like to do, but I just have not done them because I have always evaluated them in terms of whether or not they would enhance my social life. This practice must end. I must do things just for the sake of wanting to do them, with no particular end in mind. At the same time, I find it incredibly difficult to give up this foolhardy mission I have been on. I feel far more comfortable when I try to exert control on this aspect of my life. I just wish someone could knock some sense into me. After more than a year keeping this diary, the Experiment has been in nothing but a state of self-defeat. I have said I would do things, but I have never done them. I have pursued an objective with absolutely no success because I survey the landscape and sit on my ass and make excuses. I need to do some serious soul-searching so that I can have the courage to just let go and pursue those things that make me happy. I may be single for the rest of my life, but I should not spend that time in misery chasing after something when I should just allow it to find me. |