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Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005 - 7:51 p.m. SHATTERED ICE In a couple of weeks I will turn 29. I would rather be 30 so I can get my 20s over with. Though I really have not aged much as I can easily pass for someone in his mid-twenties if not younger. The problem I face is the fact that my older age does not reflect my lack of experience in certain areas of my life. From a relationship standpoint, I was basically preserved in a block of ice for so many years only to be thawed out a couple of years ago. In my isolation, I often viewed myself as an architect who was building a life. To what end, I did not know. Only now am I beginning to see the fruits of that labor. Being distant from things for so long has certainly had its disadvantages, but there are advantages as well. I have never really been hurt in a relationship, I am extraordinarily wise and mature for a person just starting out, I have developed a stable life around me that was never hampered by someone else's problems, and I have an enviable amount of resources and freedom to build upon. First of all, I have never had that real big heart-break that devastates you enough so that you never want to trust again. From that standpoint, I am like a trusting, innocent child. One would conclude, therefore, I would be more likely to be hurt. I disagree. To me, this type of trust can be seen as a great benefit, especially when it is combined with the maturity I have by virtue of my age. Even though I might trust easily, I also know who to trust and who not to trust. I am less likely to waste my time making mistakes in this area. At the same time, when I meet someone who can be trusted, the relationship that develops has excellent potential. The only problem then is finding those who can be trusted. Yes I do have my faults, but anyone who truly knows me is not likely to criticize me for a lack of maturity. It is not something I brag about; maturity has a price. Being mature means that you are willing to forgo immediate, fleeting benefits in favor of long-term, permanent benefits. This approach has led to a great lack of success for me in the case of relationships. How? By making me extraordinarily picky. I know by now that I can go on dates. I know there are floozie women out there who are willing and able to have sex whenever they want it. Maturity has taught me that the modern dating scene is basically a waste of time. It also has taught me to stay away from the women that have been convinced that casual sex is perfectly fine, unfortunately representing a major portion of the female population. On paper, I have everything going for me. I am a professional with a decent well-paying job that gives me plenty of time off. I own a house in a nice neighborhood, and except for my mortgage, I have no debt. My family is as supportive, united, and successful as any out there. The people I associate with in my social life are usually very upstanding. I even have nuns calling on me for favors. At the same time I do not have the baggage of some broken long-term relationship. The convenience and stability of my lifestyle fits me like a glove. My priorities seem to be straight and I have a fairly decent idea of where I want to go with my life and what I need to do to get there. Lastly, building upon the quality of people I know, my stability, maturity, and freedom, I am primed to move on to even greater things in my life. Sooner or later, I will finally meet the woman I have always wanted to marry. My spirit unbroken by the world I have been shielded from, I will be capable of being a great husband to her and a wonderful father to our children. All the lonely tears I have shed will not have been in vain. Some of you out there will read this entry with disgust, which is perfectly understandable. I will probably sound like some sort of arrogant jack ass. Mind you--I am writing this entry to count my blessings, not yours. I view the Experiment now as the cry of a lonely young man who was unwilling to accept himself as the great person he is. He is almost gone. Also realize that you were probably never trapped in a miserable block of ice before, so keep your judgements to yourself. |