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Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003 - 10:09 p.m. SHOE LACING I left work slightly peeved today. Toward the end of the day, a conversation started regarding a former employee of our office that is now working at the agency that we are currently looking at. My coworker went on to say how strange the employee was when he worked for our office. Jokingly, I told my coworker that he probably found me strange too. He then went on the defend himself by saying that the employee was “different” just as I was different, just in his own way. Goading him, I suggested to him that he was comparing me to this strange former employee. Digging his hole deeper, he then went on to say how I was “different,” listing a whole litany of things that made me different. When he listed these things, I became quite alarmed at how my coworkers perceived me. One thing he mentioned is that he would never be the type of guy that would go to a bar alone to watch a game. He always has to be with somebody. The implication here is, that I am somehow strange because I go to bars alone to watch football games, even though I do not have cable. He then mentioned my trip to the Florida Keys in January, where I drove and camped there all by myself. He said he could never take such a trip alone, that he would have to go with somebody to have a good time. Another thing he found unusual about me was that he never knew a single guy that took dancing lessons all by himself. Normal people, he implied, went to lessons as couples. I am not going to tell him this, but I will say it here. I absolutely hate doing stuff by myself. But I have no other choice. Otherwise, I will sit pent up in my house until I mummify. I can only get very angry and frustrated when I hear what I believe are criticisms of my situation in life. Yes, criticisms. It is foolish for my coworker, who is just as human as I am, to assume that I prefer to do things alone. When he points things like this out, whether he realizes it or not, I damn-well know he would hate his life if it were like mine. By making it known that he would not like the way I live, he is being very critical as far as I am concerned. He would have been the type of manic-depressive that would have shot himself years ago. It is this same attitude that seems to permeate amongst many I know. They are all running about socializing like a flock of birds, and rather than inviting me and others along to join the party, they choose to banter about how we are different. It makes me sick. These people have no idea how much they take their relationships with others for granted. They horde their relationships like wealth and then announce, “Look at me, I know people, and they like to be with me. I must be the most wonderful person in the world!” They then smirk at the socially unpopular outcasts in society and, as long as they do not need them, avoid these outcasts as though they are lepers. And when tragedy finally does strike their own social life or popularity, they claim that they are all depressed and devastated so that they can get the world's sympathy and attention. They have not the fainted clue as to what depression is! This type of disingenuity really burns me up. I have very little sympathy for these types of people. I am not singling out my coworker for what he said to me. I think he is a nice guy and probably means well. He merely reflects how a huge strata of the population would probably view a guy in my situation. These are the people I have to deal with every day, and for the most part, they would find it impossible to relate to me if they knew all the intricate details of my life. All I can do is exercise patience in their presence. As I was leaving work, I told my coworkers that I was going home to unlace all the shoes in my closet, and then lace them up again. After that, I said I was going to stare at he wall and wait for my paint to peel. |