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Sunday, Apr. 25, 2004 - 9:07 p.m. SO MUCH POTENTIAL As I sit here contemplating my upcoming week, all I can do is see all the deficits in my life. I look around my house and see endless things for me to work on. I look at my physical condition and know I can do much more for myself. Spiritually, I am nothing but a blathering hypocrite. Socially, I am not taking advantage of any opportunities. However, as I look at all these areas where I need improvement, I just do not feel motivated to change anything. Something tells me that if I fix these problems, there will be no reward for my labor. My situation kind of reminds me of a huge party that one might put together, with no one showing up. All the planning, all the money, all the time, all the effort put into this party turns out for naught. At the end of it all, standing among all the balloons and unserved food, you are left standing all alone wondering why you put forth all the effort in the first place. Instead of the fond memories of a fun party, you are left lonely and unappreciated. I currently feel somewhat lonely and unappreciated, but at least right now I can cite my despondency as the reason. The truth is that I am just lazy, but I am not sure it is all my fault. Part of me says that much of my lack of motivation comes from the pills I am taking. They can leave me drowsy at times, more inclined to take a nap than to go run simple errands. For the longest time I went without caffeine out of fear that it would interfere with my medication. I decided to experiment by drinking coffee, and caffeine turned out to have no ill effects. So now I drink coffee when I need an extra boost. But when the juice runs out, I find myself dragging again. The other factor in my lack of motivation is the shortage of sleep I appear to get during the week. I often stay up late, whether I must wake up early the next morning or not, mainly because I cannot fall asleep too easily at night. My clock seems to run faster toward the evening when most people are winding down. I end up tired and miserable the entire next morning, and I must lie down when I come home after work in the afternoon. For some odd reason, when I attempt to go to bed early, I feel like I did not do something that I should have done. But the challenge for me remains that I overcome these issues and do all the things I set out to do. When it is all said and done, the achievement of my goals will be determined by my will to achieve them. I have been told in the past that I have extraordinary willpower. However, I have yet to see myself use my willpower to bring forth the drastic changes I need for me to reach my full potential as a human being. If only I knew the right thing or right person to motivate me. |