|
|
Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 - 11:23 p.m. THE GAP When I arrived back here in Baton Rouge this evening, I figured it would be a good time for an update just to get a few things off my mind that occurred to me over this past week off work. I am now twenty-seven years-old and have yet to even kiss a girl. All I can do is laugh at this. It makes absolutely no sense to me why a guy in my shoes, who basically has everything else, has yet to receive a kiss. Now, let me attempt to rationalize, for my own purposes, why this is my situation. First off, I have no one I can reliably call a friend, or a “chum” I can hang out with. Nor do I have a group of people I can hang out with. Several factors seem to contribute to this problem. The first of these factors is my job. I have a job that by its very nature creates an antagonistic attitude in the people I work with. Just take my word for it, because I am not going to explain what I do. The only way I see out of this situation is to get involved in something out of work where I can make friends and network. I have yet to find the ideal place for me to get involved without my job getting in the way. The second factor contributing to this problem is the giant “gap” of isolation that I seem to have created in my life. I have absolutely no friends from high school. None. I may have well not even have gone there as far as my social life is concerned. My illness lingered through college, too, and the only person I can reliably claim that I can contact from college is my old Houston roommate. Beyond that, I know no one. I thought back to my college days and thought of all the people that I had the opportunity to befriend, and my spine shivers. There were just so many people! I just wish I were treated back then. My life would be completely different right now. Or would it? I can only speculate. It is so easy to say, “If I only knew then what I know now.” Then all the while I think of all this, I wonder, what if I were treated? Would I be married right now? Would I have kids? All that with the job I currently have? Granted, I love women and children, but I simply could not imagine the stress I would be putting up with right now in my life if I had a wife and kids to boot. It just seems so constricting to me, as though once I were to give in to such a plan, what little control I now have over my life now would be completely taken away. I believe this is a good place for me to leave off before I go to bed. These are but a few of the issues I need to confront if I am to understand why I am so alone and what I will need to do to end my loneliness. I suppose I shall continue my discussion of these issues tomorrow. |