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Tuesday, Sept. 02, 2003 - 10:16 p.m. THE HOLE Note to readers: The following excerpt is from an e-mail responding to an entry of a loyal reader (http://alwayslolita.diaryland.com). I decided to post it to my diary because it is appropos to the goal of the Experiment. Maile,
I have read your latest entry and I have one thing to say to you: I am going to be 27 in less than 30 days and I still have yet to get my first kiss! The closer and closer I get to that kiss the more I realize the only thing or person to blame is myself, or, better yet, myself as a result of my bipolar history.
I am in a bit of a struggle right now. Of course at work, but that is another matter. All my life I have sought the ideal woman or, rather, fantasized about her like some immature child. I sat around thinking that somehow that God had placed this woman on earth for me to someday meet, fall in love with, and marry. It was like I was entitled to this and I expected no less. I am beginning to realize that such dreaming is as foolhardy as thinking that you are entitled to win the lottery.
All those years of my illness's being untreated perpetuated this fantasy, and the fact that I experienced so much anxiety around the opposite sex seemed to feed the fire. After all, why approach her? She is not the ideal woman!
I cannot imagine what my social life would have been today if I went the traditional route like every teenager, met some girl in high school, brought her to a couple of dances, and kissed her. I say big deal. So I missed out. That is no excuse for me now.
Oddly, I see that you are in the same boat, maybe for different reasons, but I have a hunch that your weight has little to do with it. The reason I believe this is because attractiveness, or money, for that matter, has never been a problem for me, yet I still have the same problem. Instead, to me it is like an unexplainable unseen curse that makes me unattractive (thus far) to the opposite sex. The unseen curse: bipolar disorder.
Yes, perhaps if you looked like Jennifer Lopez you may have had a "boyfriend," kissed him, and had sex with him a hundred times. But I assure you, that boyfriend would not have loved you any more than that he would love you as you currently look. Instead, your looks would have made him desire you for your body, but your mind and soul would have meant as much to him as they do now. The pain you would have experienced in those kinds of relationships, in my opinion, would have been equal to, if not more painful than, the loneliness you feel now.
How your illness has affected your relations with men, I can only speculate. All I can say is that it has certainly affected my relations with women. The main thing it has done to me is that it created this "hole" much like the one you described in your entry. It is like a constantly growing black hole, one which you feel powerless against, one that you feel as though you have to hide from everyone you know, all the while knowing that once it is exposed no one will understand it, some might mock it, and still some will be repulsed by it. You claim it is getting smaller, but the more you ignore it, the bigger it is getting. Otherwise you would not be writing about it and having delusions that some guy a thousand miles away might see you in a Hawaii mall.
You may have read in my previous entry how I am having to deal with a woman, and women like her, that I am unattracted to that are coming on to me. In fact, they are not unattractive at all. They are only unattractive to an unnattractive person, namely me. I am quickly coming to the realization that, if I am so superficial so as to judge their true nature by how they look, then I will never have a girlfriend, or a least not a girlfriend that I love or truly loves me. This superficiality, in my opinion, is a direct result of the fantasy-world perpetuated by my illness.
I may have no right to do so, but I will give you advice, Maile, and you may dismiss it as mere idle chatter if you so desire.
First, you must love yourself. Love yourself for all your strengths, all your weakness, for what you value, what you believe, the way you look, the way you feel, the way you make others feel, and everything else that makes you unique. It is who you are, and you are a gift to the world. If you cannot love yourself, do not expect a guy to love you. If you are ever to get a boyfriend, he will love you just as you are, no more and no less.
Second, do not expect a prince charming to come to your rescue. Chances are, this prince charming is trying to get rescued himself. You mention that you can count all the guys you have liked on one hand. Realize that any guy you meet will have faults that will turn you off, just as some of your faults may turn him off. Though you should not ignore these faults, you should attempt to see beyond them. Perhaps what you might see is something in him that you never expected.
Thirdly, get to know as many women who know guys as possible and get set up on dates! A date, even with a guy that you may end up not liking, or that may not like you, never killed anyone, assuming the women you have doing your picking are good judges of character. Besides, you will not go anywhere with your social life if you do not at least start dating. There has to be plenty of guys out there--professionals that are not the bar-going types--that are looking to get set up with a woman. Find the women who know them, and befriend them!
Lastly, accept the fact that guys can and will like you and be attracted to you. An attitude of failure before you even start will be a self-fulfilling prophesy. The whole idea that some guy will never find you attractive is an idea that, if you read my diary, is similar to an idea I once had about women. And guess what. Women ARE attracted to me. Just as men will be attracted to you. You just have to find the right ones. I promise you, if everything about you that I have read in your diary is true, then some guy out there will find you attractive.
However, do not think that you can make any guy out there love you. Love is given freely as a gift, it is not earned as a prize. If you expect a guy to fall in love with you just because you weigh less than you did six months ago, you are setting yourself up for a major disappointment. Looking good is important, but being yourself is essential. And if he cannot like you for who you are, whether you are large are small, do not waste your time with him.
Now if I could only take my own advice. . . .
Keep on writing- Experiment |