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Tuesday, Jul. 29, 2003 - 11:15 p.m. THE NEW FLOOR The day was another typical boring workday. I am getting used to the work environment on my new floor. I must be careful to arrive to work on time, as I found out that the office is keeping track of what time our employees show up for work by running reports on card scans in the building. I am trying to get used to the fact that I cannot be rejected by a girl. What you ask--anyone can get rejected, right? Not me. You are an idiot if you reject me. In fact, I do not consider it to be rejection at all, I consider it to be absolute stupidity. My ego has been growing over the past few days, largely due to the experience that I have been getting over the past month. I have been purposely seduced by a girl that looks like a model, and grinded by a blonde that was the envy of every guy in the dance club. I am convinced, in my mind anyway, that it is certainly possible for me to attract a beautiful woman. Yes, there will be those women that I might be attracted to that are not compatible with me, and as a consequence, might reject me. However, I see no reason to feel bad about it because there will be other women out there that will not reject me. The women that do reject me are easily replaceable. I can brush them off my shoulder like the lint they are. I have long held that I have more confidence than most of the population. I believe this mainly because I have been so successful in my life despite the many disadvantages I have been born with. The main disadvantage is, of course, that I am bipolar, and have been all my life, as far as I am concerned. Years of conditioning have convinced me that I could not be liked by or attract the opposite sex. Before, I was absolutely confident I could not get women. Rejection was inevitable. I believed I was ugly and had the personality of a stiff, defensive robot. In fact, I believe my overwhelming confidence actually destroyed me. I was so confident in how I viewed the world, I was absolutely convinced I could not be in a relationship. It was absolute confidence, not a lack thereof, that prevented me from approaching women. That is why I went 26 years without a date. Suddenly, this shift has gone full throttle in reverse. Psychologically, my anxiety around women is rapidly dissipating. However, I have to admit the physiological aspects still linger. I predict they will rapidly dissipate with a few more weekends of attractive girls hanging on me. Then I will be unstoppable. My true personality and absolute confidence will shine through to every woman I meet and they will know that I am like no other guy they have ever met. But if all this occurs, the Experiment still will not have reached its goal. Remember, the goal of the Experiment is not to get attractive girls. It is about being able to create a sustained, meaningful relationship with the opposite sex. It is about building a sophisticated network of friends. It is about my reaching my true potential as a social human being. I look at this and I am more daunted than ever. I have to be able to see past looks and popularity, because I know at one time I had neither. I have to learn to reach out to people who think they are rejects, because I believed at one time that I was one myself. I have to be able to understand why people feel the way they do, because I know at one time my feelings were completely misunderstood. And I state the point I said in my prologue: Love is impossible for me. This has not yet been proven false. Love has always eluded me as a concept, something tangled and smothered as it gets intertwined within the web of human relationships. The new dimension of intimate communication I now see between the sexes has made my quest for understanding this concept all the more obstacled. How does it all fit in? How will I know that the “love” I think I feel for a woman that I probably would have not even bothered to approach a year ago is in fact “love” or rather a matter of blinding lust that will fade away with time? I still have yet to be in love, so in this territory, I am completely lost. So now the complicated nuances of relationships are entering my mind, whereas before I could not get past the fact that women would actually be willing to have a relationship with me. Like work, perhaps with time I will get more used to this environment as well. |