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Monday, Mar. 01, 2004 - 2:27 p.m. THE SPA WHO LOVED ME Considering that I ended “The Experiment” with the last entry with a nuclear blast, no less, perhaps I can regain my footing once again by writing about my favorite comedy TV show when I was about ten or eleven years-old. It was called “Sledge Hammer!” and it ran on ABC for two brief seasons until it was cancelled in the late ‘80’s. When I watched this show, I laughed until I could no longer breathe. The show was about a Dirty Harry/Frank Drummond-style fascist cop who had a romantic infatuation with his gun and had absolutely no reverence for the rights of the accused, guilty or not. After its first season, the producer of the show did not think it would be returning for another season due to poor ratings. As a result, the last show for that season featured a scene where Sledge Hammer attempts to diffuse a nuclear warhead. The end result, of course, it that nuclear warhead detonates and the city is destroyed. The show appears to be over for good. The title of this episode was “The Spa Who Loved Me” because the terrorist with the bomb ran a health spa. The following season, the show was again revived when they simply wrote in that the new episodes happened five years before the nuclear blast. Until Saturday I did not know how this title or this theme could revive “The Experiment.” Nevertheless, it appears to have been revived. Today I returned from my singles cruise that was supposed to go to Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Cozumel. The Saturday night before Mardi Gras, I spent the night at my parents’ house in New Orleans because my ship was disembarking the next day from New Orleans. Normally, cruises go off without a hitch, and you just get on the boat and you are on your way. In my case, a boat had to sink in the main pass of the Mississippi River which prevented all traffic from entering the river from the Gulf including my cruise ship. I woke up the next morning hearing this news and found out that my cruise would disembark from Gulfport, Mississippi instead. I got notice from the cruise line that all the passengers should go to the New Orleans terminal and wait to be bussed over to Gulfport. My mother dropped me off at the terminal where I waited to get on a bus for fourteen hours with three thousand other passengers, only to arrive in Gulfport at 4 AM. Right from the start, I began my vacation tired and rather disgruntled by how the cruise line handled the catastrophe. The next morning we were told that we would not be able to make the trip to Jamaica and that we would only be able to go to Grand Cayman and Cozumel. My cabin mate for the cruise was a 31 year-old family practice doctor from Seattle. He was a very nice, intelligent guy who you would think would be the ideal find for any woman on a singles cruise. Unfortunately for him and me, the single men on this cruise far outnumbered the single women, and, besides a few Tulane students on spring break, there were very few women on the cruise under the age of 35. However, I was not going on this cruise to meet women as my goal was to have fun and not worry about it. That is why I was very disappointed to hear that when we arrived a Grand Cayman, the island would be closed to all traffic due to squally weather. We ended up spending five days straight at sea only to arrive at Cozumel on Friday. Granted, the cruise ship was nice and had many things to do on it, but staying on a boat gets old after a while. One afternoon while we were at sea, I went to the lobby floor of the ship to listen to the orchestral trio playing there. I saw a fellow singles-cruiser, sat next to him, and spoke to him about the problems with the cruise. Sitting on the other side of me, who I did not notice at first, was this beautiful young woman who was reading a book. I figured that she must have been married or with a boyfriend or something, as I could not see how someone that beautiful could be alone. A few minutes later, the assistant cruise director came out beckoning anyone trying out for the ship’s talent show that would be held later that week. Apparently the woman sitting there was waiting for the tryouts, so I briefly asked her what her talent was and found out that she would be singing “Unchained Melody.” My interest was piqued, so I followed her and the rest of the group in the talent show to their rehearsal. While I was following her, I asked her who she was with, and she briefly mentioned that she was “chaperoning” her sister and some other Tulane students.
She sang like a cross between Celine Dion and Cher. After the rehearsal and while the singer was talking to the band for some adjustments for their music, I spoke to her sister and her friend to compliment their singer on her talent. I found out that this singer was Miss Kentucky and that she had been performing in pageants since age 5. I shook hands with her afterward and told her that she was very talented. It could not be more bluntly obvious that as I shook her hand, she was not at all interested in meeting me. With a phony hello, she was eager to get her sister and friend out of there. Later on during the cruise, I had made a few attempts to meet this group again, but each time they seemed to blow me off. It was obvious as every time we approached them that they were rather standoffish and quite snobby. However, I owe a lot to my sheer nervousness in meeting a woman of that caliber and the fact that she probably is constantly hit-on by guys all the time, let alone a socially inept person like me. But it was fun to say I just met Miss Kentucky though, even though she was clearly too snobby to be in my league. The highlight of the cruise was when I got a massage on Saturday. Everyone I had met had that said they had got one was raving about it. The young lady who massaged me was the only non-foreign cruise staff member I had met on the voyage. She was a married woman from California who only got to see her husband one time a month as she was always at sea. I found this marriage to be very disheartening and I felt sorry for her for not being able to see her husband. I would have to think that marrying a person you cannot be with must be worse than being single. However, after that massage, I had never felt more relaxed in my life. This turned out to be “The Spa Who Loved Me.” Overall, I think the cruise was a good learning experience, even though it was a major disappointment in most other respects. In the meanwhile, I have been in contact with two e-harmony matches that will likely result in dates. Whether they result in something long-term remains to be seen. One I have already spoken to by phone and she appears at this point to be a nice person. I suppose I will be calling her again sometime soon. In addition, my manager at my office has offered me a few opportunities to meet the student veterinarian that has been helping to treat her dog for a tumor on its back. She brought me to the LSU vet school to meet her once when she was picking up her dog, and it has been quite the topic of conversation in our office closet since. On the “male-bonding” front, I was visited by Edward again on Valentine’s Day weekend and met his girlfriend. I found out at this time that he had in fact been visiting her about once a month since September. I completely understand his inability to see me, but he could have at least been nice enough to tell me he was visiting Baton Rouge. I forgive him though, because I have known him since we were kids and there are very few outside childhood contacts I can rely on. Also, he also wants to look for a house in Baton Rouge to buy and rent out to his younger brother. Helping him find a house would be an excellent way for me to help strengthen our old friendship. I feel sorry for him to an extent though, because he is spending way too much effort on someone I consider to be quite immature. Also, I have been going to LSU basketball games with a guy I met at the Chimes who drinks like a fish. He is kind of an overly loopy Tiger fan, but he is still good to know if I ever want to go to LSU sporting events. As far as I am concerned, the more people I get to know, the better. The main issue I have is my ability to be relaxed in the company of people I do not know. This issue was not readily apparent to me after my massage. Throughout the cruise I was really uptight and felt unnatural in going up and just meeting people. When I was finally so relaxed after my massage, suddenly all the therapy that my first Baton Rouge psychologist had given me regarding relaxation came into focus. I think that I will have to get massages more often. Otherwise, the next nuclear blast "The Experiment" experiences may be its last. |