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Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 - 10:23 p.m. WHAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND I have mentioned already that my singles cruise was a valuable learning experience, albeit a rather disappointing vacation. What it seemed to impress upon me was that I am mostly to blame for my lack of a social life, and women, by and large, are not willing to help out my situation. Certainly, if a person were to criticize my lack of success in this regard, one could easily read this diary and come to the conclusion that I spend far too much time thinking about possible relationships with women, and not enough time trying to improve my basic relationships with others, male and female alike. This criticism is quite valid. However, I noted something during our cruise late at night when I and some other singles gathered around a late, late night buffet table after spending our night in the ship’s disco. The discussion centered around why people were not “hooking up” as they had been on prior singles cruises. Basically, the women laid out what the men they have been meeting in their lives were lacking, and what men simply cannot figure out about them. They went on and on about how all men seemed to be concerned with was sex, that the men they knew did not know how to bring happiness to a relationship, did not know how to express their emotions and so on. If men only knew, they contended, that all a woman really desires is affection and understanding, they could get any woman they want. My doctor roommate basically explained to them that men do not view relationships the same way as women do, or at least do not talk about them like women do. Women will have get-togethers and talk about how they feel about Bob or Sam, where they think their relationships are headed, ask for advice, and be very straight-forward about their romantic lives. Men, on the other hand, will talk about last night’s football game, the last week‘s fishing trip, the new carburetor they just put in their Mustang, and so on. When the issue of women comes up and a man asks another for advice, the answer typically is “Dump her and move on.” When talking about romantic interests in women, men will just talk about whether she is hot or not. Feelings and emotions are generally not within the realm of male conversation. But then there is my point of view. I can sit there and listen to this conversation but I also must consider all of these things as it works in reality. On the cruise, there were only a handful of women younger than I was, and all of the men between 25 and 40 were targeting them. And of course, there was the group of men these young women seemed to be attracted to and hung out with on a consistent basis. Who were these men? They were four guys who formed a band in Boston who wore these tattoos, earrings, and dressed far different from any of the other men in the singles group. And no, the women I am talking about were not the biker types. They were the average girl next door. I find it hard to believe that these men had a keener understanding of women’s emotions than anyone else. I find it hard to believe that these men had motives any more noble than getting these women in bed as soon as possible. In fact, I would even go on to say that these men were the direct opposite of what the single women at the buffet table described as their ideal relationship partner. Yet these were the very guys I would have to “compete” against in order to date any of these younger women, and frankly, when it comes to winning these women’s hearts, they kick my ass. Granted, there were slim pickings for me to choose from, and no doubt, had there been other women on the cruise within my age group, I might have had a better shot at finding one that might like me. But the point of the matter is that the odds seem to be lower for a guy like me than for guys that seem to represent everything I am not. In reality, the paradigm that rich, successful, well-mannered men easily attract women, and deadbeat women-users with no future repel them, appears to be absolutely backwards. My roommate for the cruise was the perfect example. Instead on focusing on the intelligent, handsome, 31 year-old practicing physician, the younger women were going for a bunch of wild drunk morons. I do have few friends, and the few friends I do have are men. We never talk about the complexities of male-female relationships, even though that is probably my greatest interest. It is simply an uncomfortable topic for most guys. For me in particular, it is very uncomfortable as I have virtually no experience whatsoever in relationships. So what I am relegated to are perhaps an occasional conversation with my older brother and whatever correspondence resulting from this diary. Given that my inexperience at my age is so unique, I cannot just lay my problems on the shoulders of the first person I see. And, in my opinion, sitting on a couch in front of a therapist has not yielded any fruitful results. My greatest sense of empowerment on my cruise was when this older woman with our group leveled with me and told me I should just walk up and talk to any girl I was interested in. It was so plain, so bluntly obvious that that was all I had to do, that I felt like a total idiot for being too nervous to talk to the woman I was interested in approaching. But if I guy had told me the same thing as this older woman did, I would have had no trust in his advice whatsoever. I do not know where this issue leads me. As far as the cruise is concerned, I basically account for the younger women’s interest in the “wilder” men as an attempt to seek a short-term spurt of fun rather than a meaningful relationship. I can also account for the fact that I was too nervous and unrelaxed on much of the cruise to really approach these women. All I can do is find a group of friends to hang out with on a regular basis for normal exposure to available woman that I can practice approaching. The key is finding that group of friends. Tomorrow I am going to work and must figure out what I am doing for the weekend. I am a bit concerned that I may be alone again both Friday and Saturday night. In the hopes of doing something, this time I have a backup plan. I suppose I will write about that plan in my next entry, but as for now, I must go to bed. |