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Saturday, Apr. 09, 2005 - 7:02 p.m. WONDER WOMAN AND THE BALLERINA Almost two months have passed since my last entry. During that time, I have undergone significant spiritual upheaval in my life, one that stands to redefine my existence. Or perhaps this upheaval is just a phase, which would mean I am attempting to rationalize its eventual disappearance. In any case, I do not believe the veil of inner conflict I now feel has completely lifted. Sometime in February I joined a Christian internet dating service, whereas before I had exclusively dealt with eharmony. Upon joining, I contacted two devoutly religious women, one a counselor who was a former ballerina, the other a full-time student, who also carries a full-time job while supporting and caring for her sick mother. Both live in New Orleans, over an hour drive away. I had been in contact with both of them over the course of two months. During my initial contact with the counselor-ballerina, she was wondering if I was one of those “serial internet daters,” or some guy that exclusively dates on the net because he cannot get a date elsewhere. Her question made me look at myself and realize that a “serial internet dater” is exactly what I am. At that point I had only been on “dates,” if that is what you want to call those meetings, exclusively from the internet. That issue made me feel angry and frustrated. After all, she would naturally conclude that I must be some freak with no social skills if I could not get a date any other way. So within a couple days of her question, for the first time in my life (with the exception of that waitress at the restaurant) I took a definite risk and asked a girl for her phone number. She was a graduate student in speech therapy that I met at the church during a prayer workshop. I figured that she looked better-than-average, kind of like Lynda Carter, so from a physical standpoint, there was a possibility of something working if her personality turned out well. A couple weeks later, we went out to dinner for a first date. It went quite well, as she seemed to be a person I should continue to get to know. A week later, we went on another date. This time we went to a dinner and a movie. However, a monkey wrench seemed to be thrown in the mix when we saw a particular movie. It was called “Constantine,” starring Keanu Reeves. If I somewhat like girls when I go to movies with them, I usually try to go for the hand. For whatever reason, however, the graduate student would not make her hand available. I also try to coax her to let me put her arm around her by putting my arm over her chair. That did not work either. So we sat and watched this movie, which in my opinion, was a little over-the-top, and went home. During the ride back, I attempted to jokingly make sense out of this nonsensical movie, only to hear from her that discussing such things made her feel uncomfortable. So I never called her back. Granted, she was attractive physically, but to me she was just too shy. I wondered if I could ever discuss any of the unusual aspects of my life, psychiatric, psychological, spiritual, or otherwise, without making her feel uncomfortable. I also wondered about the chemistry between our personalities. There is a great deal to who I am, yet she did not seem to be making the effort to unearth all those things. At the same time, I felt like I was crossing a serious boundary if I attempted to unearth something about her. Eventually, I met with the counselor-ballerina. We met in New Orleans at an Applebee’s as I did not want to overdo another internet date as I did for the physical therapist over a year and a half ago. I have to admit though, upon seeing her I saw that she had the nicest body of any woman I have ever dated, or likely will ever date. She also had the most unattractive face. No wonder she never sent me a photograph. Her main issue was her somewhat odd personality. Like myself, she was a virgin, despite her eclectic appearance. She was ultra-religious, yet she looked like the type that would hang out with women who dye their hair purple and wear nose rings that extend from their noses to their earlobes. Being a professional counselor, she was quite adept at recognizing personality flaws. After spending time in conversation at Starbuck’s with her afterward, however, I knew I really did not want to date her because our personalities did not fit together. She just did not appear to be incredibly interested in me while I did my best to get to know her. Nevertheless, after Starbuck’s we had time to kill so we decided to go do something. I offered to bring her to the mall, but that did not appeal to her as she used to work there. Brainstorming, I came up with another idea. We would tour Metairie cemetery. Despite the oddity of the idea, she agreed to it, so we went. As we were doing the tour, it began raining, so we went home. Now I can legitimately say that I brought a girl to the cemetery on a first (and last) date. But when you do not truly like someone, doing such things entails no risk. I would not call her back either. Until two weeks later. Late one night I came up with questions and wanted some answers. She had no idea that I was bipolar, yet she was a counselor who actually had bipolar clients. She was also a young Christian woman that gone on a date with me. So I called her and told her everything about my condition throughout my life, that I had never been on a date until age 26, that I had dated only one woman outside of the internet, and that I had never been in a long-term relationship of any sort. Then I wanted to know her impression of me after our first date. The counselor-ballerina was kind of shocked to hear what I told her, as she was expecting me to say something far worse, like I was divorced with 3 kids or something. As it turned out, had I called her back, she probably would have dated me again. All that did not matter to me, as my agenda with her was not to date her again; I just wanted to know her impression of our original meeting. During our date, though, she told me that it seemed that I was intentionally holding back something. That was the answer I was looking for. I realize now that I cannot hold back certain things such as my past. I may be guarded at first, but I must be open with who I am without regard for the consequences. What I attempt to hide will bleed through no matter what I try. So I can either embrace it and expose it to the world, or look like a fool who in plain sight is running from himself. I would rather be seen as a proud bipolar who had defeated his condition rather than as a cowardly person who claims to be “normal” who does everything to hide it. At the beginning of this entry I mention the spiritual strife I am now undergoing. I suppose that topic will be the theme of my next entry as this one has already gotten quite long. The issue primarily deals with my lilly-white virginity which I still cling to at age 28. Its discussion will have to wait as I can type no more. |